


let's not fall in love

by drifting_star



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm bad at most things in general, Idiots in Love, M/M, Slow Burn, angst because why not, heavily OT5 (not sorry), light criticism of k-pop culture, nyongtory friendly, other groups or related people are mentioned, the plot doesn't exist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22515493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drifting_star/pseuds/drifting_star
Summary: "What had happened to them? They used to be best friends, almost inseparable, always glued to each other, and, since that night, even when everything seemed normal, there was something awkward between them, something they couldn’t overcome, mixed with unspoken things and scared thoughts. Maybe he just wanted everything to go back as it had been; but, at the same time, he knew he wanted to kiss him, he just didn’t know why."In which it takes Seunghyun and Daesung fifteen years to get together because they're blind even to their own emotions.
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kang Daesung
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello random person who still reads Bigbang fanfictions for some weird reason since we haven’t had interactions for the past three years; welcome to this weird thing written by a relatively new fan! You will soon realise this is really strange story, if you keep going, be aware of the fact, lol
> 
> Some things I want you to know (and hope you will read but doubt it because nobody wants to read an entire novel before the actual story >.<) about the story:
> 
> a) it doesn’t have an actual plot, it’s more of a collection of Todae’s moments through the years  
> b) I took a lot of liberties, and I mean _a lot,_ while writing this story (mostly because I’m ignorant, ops), so don’t be too surprised when you find something out of place or inconsistent   
> c) my style of writing can get very boring because I tend to focus a lot on people’s feelings; for that reason, don’t expect a lot of action  
> d) this is a Todae story but for more than half of it they’re just friends, like, this is probably the slowest burn ever, lol  
> e) English is not my first language, so forgive me for eventual mistakes
> 
> Anyway, I will publish a new chapter every weekend. If nobody likes it, well, yikes, I failed my goal in life (okay, just kidding)
> 
> This part is just an introduction to the story, which will be entirely a flashback starting from back in 2005, uff; this is very vague and I didn’t even write Daesung’s name once, what am I doing with my life, this is such a bad start for the story
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoy it anyway :)
> 
> P.S; I obviously don't think this couple is real nor I want it to be, I just really enjoy writing the dynamics of 'friends to lovers' and they were the obvious choice. 

_**2020** _

He was feeling sentimental that night, and he didn’t know the reason; nothing was different than how it’d been for the past few weeks, but he couldn’t sleep and sometimes he couldn’t even breathe.  
  
He hated getting lost into his thoughts and always had, because he knew his mind was a really dangerous place, it had some dark and unexplored spots he always preferred to keep away from; he was afraid he would find something he didn’t like there, he would find something about himself that would tear him down to pieces. Not that he could lie to himself; he knew that had already happened a few months before, and all he’d thought he knew had fallen and crashed on the floor before he could catch it.  
  
The way he saw his life and himself had changed irremediably that night, when he’d realised that, even though he was eccentric, he was still like everyone else; he’d never thought he was better, he’d just always thought there was something broken inside him that couldn’t be fixed.  
  
And there was, of course, there would always be, just not to the extent he’d thought; there wasn’t anything wrong with his emotions, everything that was wrong was in his head.  
  
He’d been terrified of getting hurt his entire life and, trying to protect himself, he’d gotten hurt in the process, and had kept pretending that he didn’t care, or that he wasn’t even bruised; but now he knew he had deep scars he’d only pretended not to see.  
  
He would never voice his worry aloud, but he was still scared; he was scared he would mess everything up and, in the end, he would be left alone, like many other times before, because he never let the people he cared about in, never let them get too close, afraid that they would see who he really was and run away.  
  
Problem was, he already knew everything about him, even what he’d been trying to hide, and he always felt there was no one who understood him as well as him; maybe he couldn’t actually understand what was going on in his head, maybe he couldn’t understand why he acted a certain way or why he had certain interests, but he could feel the emotions he felt. It had always been like that, almost as if they were the same person and two different people all at once, for how strange it sounded.  
  
He looked at him, observing the shadows that danced on his relaxed face; sometimes he was still in disbelief, he couldn’t actually believe he was there, sleeping next to him, and he always asked himself if he wasn’t an illusion created by his miserable and lonely mind.  
  
He stretched out a hand, feeling the inexplicable need to touch his face, but stopping when his fingertips could barely reach his skin; he didn’t want to wake him up and bother him with the thoughts running around his head, even though he knew he would help him no matter what, no matter which hour of the night it was, like he’d done so many times before.  
  
Sometimes he didn’t’ even realise how much they’d changed; he could still remember the first time they’d met, when they were just two children with a dream bigger than them, children who didn’t know where life would bring them, children who had yet to realize how cruel and difficult life actually was. It’d almost been fifteen years; he was starting to feel old.  
  
In that moment, he had so many thoughts in his head, he knew there was no way he could fall asleep; sighing, he decided to get up, unsure what to do but sure he needed to clear his mind as best as he could, since he’d already allowed himself to think for too long.  
  
He picked up a t-shirt that had inexplicably ended up on the floor and quietly walked out of his room and into the hallway while attempting to put it on; he didn’t even glance at the paintings that had had the ability to calm him down many times, knowing that, this time, they couldn’t do anything to soothe his heart from the pain it was feeling. A pain he’d felt many times, but he’d never realised what it meant before; now that he did, it seemed to be doubled, he felt almost physically hurt.  
  
He wished it was easy, but it had never been, nor him nor for anyone else; he wished he could make the pain disappear and forget everything that was troubling him, because he wanted to be happy without having his mind thinking unpleasant and harsh thoughts.  
  
_‘You are unlovable, you are broken, you are crazy, and sooner or later he will realise it and you will be alone again, as you’re always bound to be. There’s no way somebody would stay with you knowing how messy you are, you don’t even know what you’re thinking or what you’re feeling most of the time; you’re just going to end up hurting him like you’ve hurt so many people before because you will never be able to tell him how you really feel because you are a coward and a liar, even if you claim you hate liars. You’re ugly, you’re disgust—'_  
  
He reached his kitchen and grabbed the packet of cigarettes he’d so stupidly left on the counter the evening before, before stepping out on his balcony, in the cold January air; the contact of his bare feet with the ground seemed to freeze the thoughts he’d been having on the spot and, for a moment, it seemed that everything was gone.  
  
When he lighted his cigarette, though, he noticed that his hands were slightly shaking, but he blamed it on the wind, trying to convince himself that it was the truth; he observed the skyline for a moment, feeling like he was slowly calming down thanks to the smoke, blinking against the lights on top of the tall buildings in front of him, which shined in the distance like unreachable stars.  
  
He couldn’t help but reminisce in that moment, even if he would’ve preferred not to; if he had to be honest with himself, he knew he wasn’t going to leave him, because he’d seen the ugliest parts of him and had never let go of his hand, but he was still scared something was going to happen, even if he didn’t know what.  
  
Sometimes he felt like he’d ruined their relationship and that now everything that they were left with was the scattered pieces of their friendship, something that would never be again; but, after all, he hoped that was what would keep them together, the fact that they’d been friends, even brothers, before that happened.  
  
He couldn’t help but remember everything they’d been through together, everything they’d survived, everything that had brought them in their current situation; remember how blind he’d been, how stupid he’d been and how desperate he’d been and still was.  
  
Remembering everything they’d been, everything they were and everything they would never be.  



	2. when flowers bloom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I think that the first phrase of this chapter pretty much sums up my feelings. I'm sorry, I know I'm really, but I've been really unsure about continuing publishing this story after TOP's live last weekend, since he got me a little worried and I thought that maybe it was better to stop; at the end, I decided that I'm going to publish all the chapters that take place in the past and maybe slow down a bit as we reach the present. 
> 
> Anyway, I know next to nothing about little-Bigbang, so I just threw in the story a random chapter about them before the debut, using all the information I had, even if I still got many things wrong. I did an awful job at describing them and I hardly name them, so, sorry if this is confusing. 
> 
> Ah, yeah, I think I forgot to mention that, even if this story is written in third person, it's still from Seunghyun's point go view, so everything is seen as he perceives it, and not everything he thinks reflects the truth I choose (even if that's a problem for later). 
> 
> English is not my first language, so sorry for eventual mistakes.

**_2005_ **

“I’m sorry, I’m late! I’m sorry!” the door to the training room swung open and a rather flustered boy with his hair sticking up in every direction and his clothes drenched with sweat, ran in, stumbling on his feet and almost collapsing to the floor; the other five boys, who were already inside the room and had been practicing for the past minutes, turned around and only blinked in his direction, a bit taken aback by his sudden apparition.  
  
After a moment of due confusion, one of them, with brunette hair, round cheeks and a strangely sharp jawline, instructed another to go stop the music, looking at the newcomer crossing his arms over his chest and huffing in an annoyed manner; he then waved his arm slightly, signing to the others that they were allowed a short break, considering there was no way they could continue that way and reach the objective he’d set.  
  
He walked towards the table where he’d left the lyrics of the songs he’d written with his notes to improve the choreography they would have to show to president Yang soon enough, ignoring completely all the other people in the room, submerging himself in work; the boy wearing only a simple tank top, baggy jeans and a beanie to cover his black hair, glanced at him and sighed slightly, wondering how he still had the strength to keep going after all those years of training and the frustration he was feeling in that moment, which he partially understood, even if he wished he could be a bit more sympathetic towards the others, considering it wasn’t their fault if their possible duo had eventually gotten cancelled.  
  
He then grabbed a bottle of water from the floor near the large mirror which occupied two walls of the room and quietly walked towards Daesung, who was currently sitting on the floor, trying to calm down his erratic breathing; he knew that he was having a hard time and he didn’t want to make it more difficult for him, and, anyway, he liked to help, it was just a part of his personality and he’d always thought that it was the correct thing to do, because everyone’s story is different and he didn’t have time to judge people.  
  
He handed the younger boy the bottle, who sent him a grateful smile while taking it, before heading back to where he’d been to instruct Hyunseung on what he was doing wrong in the step sequence, telling himself that behaving like the leader wouldn’t help at all, even if he would never tell him, not really because he was scared of him (after all, they’d basically known each other for their entire lives and he’d learned how the other really was), but because he knew he just wouldn’t listen to him and he didn’t want to waste his time.  
  
The boy with a head full of black hair pressed under a cap, still chubby cheek and deep dimples when he smiled, walked over to where Daesung was sitting, falling down beside him and asking him how his day had gone, genuinely interested; they’d been training together only for a few months, but Seunghyun had to admit that he admired the other boy quite a lot, knowing how much he was fighting to achieve his dream, fighting with himself to get better and better in dancing and singing, and fighting with his parents, who were strongly against the idea of him becoming a singer, because they said he was never going to be successful and he couldn’t risk never having a career and a life for a childish dream like his.  
  
He understood him, he understood why that had only been an encouragement for him to try as much as he could to reach the light he saw in front of him and that everyone was blind to, because, sometimes, people trying to tear you down only help you become stronger; he knew it very well, still remembering when he’d tried to audition into the company for the first time and they’d told him he was too fat to have a chance, because the idea people had of an idol was completely different and he’d been so pissed about that he’d gone home and lost more weight he’d thought possible in a short time, and he swore he was never going to exercise and diet so much ever again in his life, whatever they said about him. Once he was rich and famous, nobody would even care about his appearance, they would finally only see him for his music.  
  
He quietly listened to what the younger had to say, as he exasperatedly told him that at first his train was late, and when he finally got onto his bus, there was a lot of traffic due to some incident or construction and, even if he’d run all the way there, he’d still arrived late; he told him that he was sorry again, even if he wasn’t looking at him, but towards Jiyong, who was bowed down onto the table and seemed to be analysing his papers without noticing him.  
  
Seunghyun noticed a slight frown appearing on Daesung’s forehead and had to admit that the way their leader had been behaving recently was awful, especially since the youngest out of all the boys, who had a loud laugh and deep bangs under his eyes, had been added to the group, not even because he’d wanted to, and, even though his singing wasn’t that great yet and the way he danced seemed uncoordinated, he wished he would stop, because he honestly wasn’t helping any of them; he seemed so different from the child he’d known, he’d been forced to grow up too fast and already had too many responsibilities on his shoulders, since he felt like he was the one who had to bring them to debut and he kept destroying himself every day more because he had no intention of letting go.  
  
Their teamwork wasn’t great at all, for the moment, they were really distant and separated, some of them barely talked to each other and nobody had yet acknowledged the youngest, and they all could see he was confused by that behaviour; Seunghyun wasn’t stupid, and he knew that they had to change if they wanted to achieve something and be accepted by president Yang as a group; and he knew that they needed to become friends, some way or another, even if it was going to be difficult, because, otherwise, they would always be stuck in the same spot for the rest of their lives.  
  
“He really hates me, doesn’t he?” Daesung’s voice brought him back from the swirl of his thought, and he followed his gaze, still focused on the leader after all those seconds; in eyes were trying to hide a sadness the older found incredibly strange, and he realised something that he’d never realised before: that his eyes were incredibly sincere and you could always see his emotions clearly as the day. He didn’t even know why, but he was sure he was soon going to change and all that honesty, which still seemed the one of a child, would disappear and it would be difficult to know what he was thinking and he hated that idea, simply because he couldn’t stand not understanding something, considering that he found difficult understanding his own head more and more every day that went by; after all, though, they were all bound to change, in a way or another and it would soon happen.  
  
“Nah, he’s just stressed.” he answered truthfully, that was what he believed and what he knew was true, considering that being the leader didn’t seem easy at all and he was glad that president Yang hadn’t chosen him just because he was the older, because he would’ve found impossible to guide five other people when he couldn’t even take care of himself.  
  
Seeing that the younger didn’t seem persuaded at all, he gave his shoulder a playful shove and pointed towards the end of the room, where a boy was sitting by himself, looking around with lost eyes, as if he was wondering how he’d ended up there and why he wasn’t somewhere else, and maybe also wondering why nobody ever talked to him.  
  
“Besides, the only person he hates is little Seunghyun.” he laughed softly, as he’d always found funny that he’d ended up being a trainee with a guy with the same name as he and with another whose name was his own but turned around; he’d already started making fun of him the day he’d walked into the room with his crooked smile and hair going in every direction and the other didn’t even know, but he’d thought it was his duty, considering he was the oldest and the other was just the _maknae_. He didn’t even imagine that was going to become his fulltime job once they debuted, but if he had, he wouldn’t have complained, because it always amused him.  
  
Daesung laughed with him for a second, before covering his mouth with his hand and shaking his head, telling him that he shouldn’t say things like that about him, he hadn’t done anything to deserve it, but Seunghyun was happy enough that he’d managed to make him smile, even if he’d tried to hide it.  
  
Jiyong finally unglued himself from the table and instructed everyone to gather back in the centre of the room because he’d already allowed too much time for that break; Seunghyun jumped on his feet with rediscovered energy and gave his hand to the younger, helping him stand up as well and dragging him along.  
  
Their hands stayed joined for a moment, even one longer than necessary, and the rapper thought he didn’t mind holding that hand at all; no, in that moment he decided that he never wanted to let go of that hand, he decided that he wanted to know Daesung more than he did in that moment, he decided they were going to be friends either the other wanted it or not, because, in some way, he felt like they were similar, even if they were fundamentally different, they already understood each other without talking and he didn’t think he’d ever felt like that with anyone before.  
  
No, he wasn’t going to let go of that hand whatever happened in the future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was bad, wasn't it? Poor Hyunseung, I don't know him at all, but I thought it was great to at least mention him since he was there at the beginning. Well, I took the fact that Jiyong couldn't stand Seungri at the beginning, I put an exasperated Taeyang and a stressed Daesung (I read somewhere that, since his parents didn't even want him to be a singer, they didn't let him live with the others at first, but Idk??). Just pretend all of this makes at least a whiff of sense.


	3. my heart was lost until now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, it's been a hot minute--I'm sorry, it's been over a month and I'd promised to update once a week TT I'm not really trustworthy, sorry. I know that with everything that's happening in the world I was supposed to have time to update, and I'm sorry again that I didn't. I'll try to take less time to publish the next chapters. 
> 
> Anyway, this takes place in 2006, when Bigbang had just debuted. I don't really know much of this time, either. This is kind of vague and probably too similar to the last chapter, but I felt like I needed to write something about this. 
> 
> English is not my first language, I apologise for eventual mistakes.

_**august 2006**_  
  
“I can’t believe we’ve finally debuted!” he couldn’t say he didn’t share Seungri’s enthusiasm, but he was feeling strangely tired and was wondering where the  maknae  had gathered all that energy from; Jiyong was grinning from ear to ear, evidently happy that all their hard work had finally payed off and they’d eventually been able to start their career, especially considering everything they had to go through, including the loss of one member and being forced to have a camera shoved in their faces most of their time awake.  
  
It was almost surreal to think that they’d finally done it, after overcoming all their individual and common difficulties, after feeling like there was no hope so many times, they’d fulfilled their dream and the future couldn’t have seemed brighter than in that moment; now they almost felt like they were invincible, even if they knew that they needed to keep working diligently and looking forward if they wanted to have the career they wanted in that industry, but they knew, that, as long as they were allowed to make music, they would happy, because that was what they’d decided to devote their childhood and entire life to.  
  
Seunghyun felt content and relaxed like he’d never felt before, despite his sudden tiredness; looking at the others, he knew they were the people he would see every day for a long time and he wasn’t complaining at all, because he knew he could’ve ended up with far worse people than them.  
  
All of them were amazing, he couldn’t even describe how grateful he felt towards them and how much he felt like they were extremely important to him, even if he’d know most of them for a little more than a year; if he needed to spend the rest of his life with them, he knew he would be happy, he already knew they were going to be there for each other for a long time.  
  
Even if he’d known Jiyong the longest, he’d already started to appreciate the others more and more; from Youngbae, who seemed innocent but always had some witty remark up his sleeve when he needed to, who was always trying his best to teach them dance steps even when they couldn’t understand them even after a few times he’d already explained, who was shy around girls and admitted it shamelessly.  
  
To Seungri, who, even thought he’d encountered a lot of difficulties when he’d joined the group, having been the last, and had found himself being ignored more times than all of them liked to admit because they’d always felt it wasn’t safe to talk to him if their leader couldn’t stand him, had always a smile on his face even when everything was dark, who always looked like an adorable panda with the deep bangs under his eyes, who laughed in the most ridiculous and loud way, who was extremely obnoxious when he wanted to be.  
  
To Jiyong, who’d always had his objective clear right in front of himself, who’d worked harder than all of them ever did, who’d spent entire nights awake trying to fix everything that he thought needed to be fixed, because he was a perfectionist, who always tried to act though and mature even if he was only nineteen, because he was their leader and he felt like that was what he needed to do if he wanted to keep the group together and make it work; he’d known who he wanted to be since the day he was born, he’d known there was a path for him to follow, and he’d to accept many things he couldn’t stand because he would’ve done anything to reach his dream and snatch his own personal star from the sky, becoming a star himself.  
  
To Daesung, who’d had to fight more than any of them had to achieve his dream, who’d had to run away from home because he just wanted to sing and had no intention of giving up, who’d had to hear harsh words about his appearance but had never let those words define him, who was shy and reserved, but was becoming more and more open every day that went by thanks to them, who always tried to smile and cheer everyone up when the mood was down because that was in his nature, who was always kind even to people who didn’t deserve it.  
  
If that was possible, he’d started to appreciate himself more, too; he’d fought too for what he wanted, he’d overcome his difficulties with a strength of mind he’d never imagined he could have, he’d trained as best as he could even if never seemed to remember the dance sequences and had established that he hated dancing and, when they would be famous enough that everybody would stop caring, he would limit his movements how much he could, because he didn’t like to be forced to do something he didn’t want to.  
  
He didn’t know if they would ever become famous, but the fact that they’d finally debuted was definitely a step forward and all he could do, all of them could do, was keeping working hard and never forget that the chance they got was incredible, but also that it was the result of a lot of efforts, pain and stress, and never rest on their laurels because of what they had achieved, whatever it would be. He didn’t know what the future would hold, but, in that moment, he could only see a bright light in from of them and they were walking towards it together, with their hands joined and holding on tight, because their team spirit, their friendship, had brought them where they were and they needed to remember how important it was.  
  
He glanced up smiling and noticed Jiyong with both his arms around Seungri and Daesung, who were at his sides, laughing along with him, and he could feel their happiness from where he’d been standing mindlessly for probably the past minute; he cried out an ‘yah, Kwon Jiyong!’, and jogged towards them, while the leader turned around to look at him with a puzzled expression, as if he couldn’t understand why he was being so whiny in a moment like that, and he couldn’t really blame him.  
  
But he wasn’t being whiny! He just wanted a bit of attention, too, he hated not being at the centre of the spotlight, even while knowing perfectly that, that day, the spotlight belonged to all five of them, not one less than the other (except Seungri, maybe, but just because he was being annoying; he’d actually always tried his best to be fully accepted into the group and, after all, all his efforts had actually payed off after some ‘due’ time when the leader had been acid in his regards because he’d been added at the last moment and was almost ‘as good as nothing’, as he’d once said a day he was particularly pissed with him); when he reached them, he jumped onto Daesung’s back without warning and the younger caught him in some miraculous way, succeeding in not collapsing to the floor by just a whiff of wind.  
  
“Don’t try to steal my best friend!” Jiyong looked at him and rolled his eyes, but it was clear that he was amused by what had just happened; he and Seungri slowly started to walk away, but not before the  maknae  had time to pinch Seunghyun’s cheek saying that he was a big baby and he didn’t even have energy to argue, since he’d lost all his remaining one by running to them in a desperate attempt to save his endangered friendship.  
  
Youngbae, who seemingly had enough of the childish side of the oldest member of Bigbang, ran after the others, who were too focused on each other to even notice him at first, and it wasn’t something which happened rarely, recently; the two of them stayed behind, and he suspected it was his fault, since he was probably slowing down Daesung considerably by weighing on his back.  
  
They remained in silence for a while, walking like everything was normal, and, even if being carried on the younger’s back had started to become a strange habit for the rapper, he always wondered why he never complained about him doing that.  
  
“Do you mean it?” his  dongsaeng  asked in a soft voice, and Seunghyun suddenly remembered that the others hadn’t really gotten used to his straightforwardness yet; he knew he had the bad habit to tell everything that went through his head, but he didn’t necessarily see it as a bad thing, it was useful from time to time. In that moment, for example, he didn’t regret saying those two words at all, he was happy he hadn’t even thought about it before saying them, because that was exactly how he felt and he didn’t see why he shouldn’t have voiced it aloud for the younger to know; and it was true, he would never admit it to anyone ever, but he’d always felt like there was something that connected him to Daesung more than to the others members, he’d always felt like that since the day they’d met, and he couldn’t give it an explanation, even if he felt like he didn’t need one, after all.  
  
Maybe because their personalities were so different, almost opposite to one another, or maybe there was something that struck him and that he couldn’t even find; for some reason, he felt like that feeling was just going to grow as they did.  
  
“Yes, you are.”  
  
(He couldn’t imagine how many things he would be to him.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, wow, cheesy, I'm sorry. I hoped you liked it anyway :)


	4. please, just hug me quietly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did I say last time? "I'll try to take less time to publish the next chapters"; I'd say that I failed miserably. To make up with my slow updates I'm going to update three chapters today. Incredible. 
> 
> Okay, so, this is a chapter inspired by that thing I read once about Top and Jiyong fainting of exhaustion and being rushed to the hospital for it; I know next to nothing about it, and for all I know, my mind could've made it up. I think it was around 2008, from what I'd understood.

**_2008_**  
  
His head hurt so bad, and he couldn’t remember why, or where he was; the last thing he remembered was having just come back to the dorm with the others and then, there was only nothing, a blackout. He tried to open his eyes, but had to close them as soon as his pupils were hit by the light reflected by the brightly white ceiling.  
  
There was an annoying beeping sound somewhere near and he felt the need to ask somebody, anybody to turn that damn thing off because it was making his head explode and he couldn’t stand it anymore.  
  
He tried to get up without opening his eyes, but he immediately fell back against the pillow and the soft bed; grimacing, he tried to recognize where he was once again, but he couldn’t seem to focus.  
  
After a moment, where’d halted his movements in order to fully recover from the torpor he was feeling since he’d woken up, he slowly opened his eyes again, trying to look around instead that above him; he carefully sat up and swung his legs over the bed, almost reaching the floor, and tried to get up on his feet, but didn’t have the time to even try.  
  
“ _Hyung_ , what are you doing?” an almost alarmed voice reached his ears before he could move, and he didn’t have time to realise what was going on, before finding himself being pushed back up on the bed by a pair of frantic hands, as the voice continued to tell him that he shouldn’t have tried to move because he still wasn’t strong enough and he didn’t want him to collapse again like he’d done a few hours before, because he’d scared everyone to death, and then the situation had gotten worse because Jiyong had fainted too and everything had spiralled into a disaster.  
  
He had to admit that he’d gotten lost after a few seconds, finding it harder than it should’ve been to concentrate, but at least he’d started to remember how fast his head had been spinning and how heavy his eyelids had felt before everything had gone dark.  
  
Trying to stop that river of words, he blindly reached out for one of the hands and grabbed it tightly, stopping the owner in his tracks for a moment.  
  
“I’d say you’re giving me a headache but I don’t think it could hurt worse than it does now.” he said after a moment, his voice low and hoarse like it’d never been before, trying to raise his head properly to look at Daesung, finding that his neck hurt too much for him to do it.  
  
He obediently got back into the bed, without letting the other’s hand go, and laid down, closing his eyes once again, now that he knew where he was and knew he hadn’t been kidnapped or something like that.  
  
He asked his _dongsaeng_ what had happened and how he ended up in a hospital and the latter explained to him again, more calmly and slowly, that they’d brought him and Jiyong to the hospital after they had fainted at the dorm and that the doctors told them that it was due to exhaustion, that they needed to rest and that everything would be fine (he also said that the leader had basically freaked out after hearing that information, because he’d said he needed to work and to write songs and to learn choreographies and to produce the songs and that he didn’t have time to rest and the only one who’d been able to calm him down had been Youngbae, even if Seungri had helped by staying at his side being forced to hold his hand).  
  
For some reason, when he finished speaking, they remained submerged in an awkward silence for several minutes, unable to find anything to say, but Seunghyun was happy to stay like that, finding an almost inexplicable comfort from their joined hands.  
  
“You actually scared me.” Daesung finally said, as if it’d taken him all that time to word that thought properly, as if he was afraid something bad was going to happen if he said that out loud; Seunghyun apologized softly, not knowing what to say exactly, knowing it would’ve been kind of tactless to remind him that it wasn’t entirely his own fault, but more of their really packed schedule.  
  
They looked at each other for a long moment, descending again in a pit of embarrassing silence, broken only by the beeping sound of the medical equipment in the room; the younger was the first to lower his eyes, keeping them on their hands placed upon the white sheet on the bed, purposefully avoiding his gaze, before he found the courage to speak again.  
  
“And I just want you to know how—important you are to me and how much it hurts me to see you suffer.” the rapper was a bit taken aback, because his _dongsaeng_ wasn’t one to directly express his feelings, he knew he found it difficult because he was never sure he was saying the right thing; that was maybe one of the reasons why they’d become close friends rather quickly in the past years, because they compensated each other with their personalities.  
  
Seunghyun knew that his habit to say things exactly for what they were, wasn’t always all that positive, but he also knew, that, at least, he had the extraordinary ability to be sincere and straightforward and that had helped him a couple of times before; the other was the exact opposite, because he always put a lot of thought in what he said and it’d taken him some time to trust them enough to come out of his shell, and sometimes he still kept his feelings for himself because he thought it was better that way. That way, they always helped each other some way; he would always help the singer be more extrovert and the latter had thought him several times before that there wasn’t anything wrong in quietness, sometimes.  
  
“What I’m trying to say is that I—” he stopped in his tracks, like the words had gotten stuck in his throat and closed his eyes; the older could swear he was shaking and he felt the sudden urge to wrap his arms around him and whisper to him that everything was going to be alright, that he was fine and things could only get better, that he was going to pay more attention to both his physical and psychological health, but he didn’t move, he just tightened his grip on his hand and patiently waited for him to continue.  
  
“I need you.” those three words struck him like nothing had ever done before, in all their simplicity and honesty, maybe because he’d never excepted his _dongsaeng_ to say them or maybe because he’d never expected _anyone_ to say them, ever; no one had ever told him something as heartfelt as that in just a short phrase, and he had no idea what to answer to that, for the first time in his life, he really didn’t know what to say.  
  
Maybe he’d just never expected someone to ever feel like that in his regards, he’d never thought someone would ever feel like he was that important to them; he felt like someone had just pushed a dagger inside his heart and he didn’t even know why.  
  
He felt like there was nothing more important than those three words, there weren’t any other words in the world that could ever be more important than them; as a person who’d started to value friendship more than anything else, it really made his heart ache, maybe simply because he’d just realised that he cared too much.  
  
In that moment, he knew the only thing he could do was act, because he understood that he would’ve broken down had he tried to speak; he propelled himself forward and slung his arms around Daesung’s shoulders, holding him as close as the bed permitted.  
  
He didn’t say anything, but he understood from how strongly the younger was gripping the back of his shirt, as if he was his lifeline, that he knew he felt the same way about him and he hoped he knew that he would never stop feeling like that, that he was one of the most important people in his life and he would always be.  
  
And he realised that his _dongsaeng_ s had started becoming more important to him than his own family, because their bond had started to be stronger than blood and he felt like, whatever would happen in the future, nothing would ever be strong enough to divide them, _nothing._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm, much cheesy once again I see.


	5. do you know, I really miss you right now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought the previous chapter was angsty, sadly, this is way worse. Okay, this was kind of an heavy chapter to write. It's about Daesung's first car accident, in which he broke his nose and injured his back and, from what I understood, there was a moment in which they were unsure if he would ever be able to sing again. I felt like I had to write a chapter about it because I'm kind of following their lives as idols and it was something that I think influenced all of them. 
> 
> Specifically, this chapter is based on something I read about T.O.P, where it was said that he'd gotten to take Daesung's things from the car wreck and hadn't found the courage to go into his house to see him. I don't exactly remember where I read it but I remember this was about what it said. Of course, I just took inspiration from those events and I have absolutely no idea of what actually happened, nor I truly wish to know. 
> 
> Sorry for the long note, I hope you like this chapter. Again, English is not my first language so forgive me for any mistake.

_**2009**  
  
“Thank you so much, this is very kind of you. Do you want to come in and see him?”_  
  
_“I—No, but thank you. I’d better go now.”_  
  
‘You _fucking_ idiot’, he told himself, over and over again, as he kept running without a destination in mind, he only wanted to go the further away from, just everything, he would’ve gladly escaped himself had that been possible; he knew he should’ve gone back to the car that had brought him there, but it’d had already been a lot that he’d gotten on it the first time, because he knew he had to, he’d been strong once and it was enough.  
  
He was tired, more tired than he should’ve been, than he should’ve allowed himself to be, since he didn’t really deserve it; he’d kept telling himself that he was okay, but, right now, he couldn’t lie even to himself anymore, because he really, really wasn’t okay.  
  
Everything had felt numb from the moment he’d heard those words, words that had been stuck in his head all that time and didn’t seem to want to disappear, for how much he tried to shove them out, or, at least, at the bottom of his mind, in that dark and unexplored part; he still couldn’t quite believe it, it had to be some sort of joke, it—just seemed impossible, it wasn’t fair, not at all.  
  
He couldn’t understand why that had happened to him, to _him_ of all people who deserved it one hundred times more; he hadn’t done anything wrong, ever in his life, and that was what he’d gotten in return.  
  
He kept running, he couldn’t see properly where he was going and he was stumbling on his feet, but that was the only thing he could do, because he was a coward and he needed to run away, run away from a truth he didn’t want to accept; he didn’t want to accept it but he had to, because, after all, he’d seen that it had in fact happened with his own two eyes and now he couldn’t even stand the sight of a car, because his mind kept flashing back to that junk and he hated it.  
  
He should’ve been happy, he should’ve at least felt some sort of relief, because it could’ve gone far worse, because, after all, at least he was alive; he couldn’t even stand or see, but he was alive, he couldn’t sing anymore, and maybe would never be able to sing again but he was alive. But it didn’t really matter if he was physically alive but they’d taken away his entire life; with how much he’d fought for his dream, it was extremely cruel that they’d taken it away from him.  
  
Maybe he should’ve been more positive about that and tell himself that everything was going to be fine, but the truth was that he didn’t know, he didn’t know and he hated lying; everything he’d been sure of was slowly slipping through his fingers like grains of sand and he couldn’t stop it from falling for how much he tried.  
  
Suddenly, his legs gave up on him and he buckled on the ground helplessly, lying on his back and watching the sky above him: it was dark, as if it was going to rain and he wished it would, at least he would’ve had something to mask the tears that were slowly slipping down his face and onto the cement under him; he’d ended up in a narrow alley, some way or another and he honestly had no idea where he was or how to go back from where he’d come from, but, in that moment, it didn’t feel like a problem at all.  
  
It was better that way, now that he was lost as he was in his own mind, now that he could cry without anyone besides himself that could judge him; he knew he’d acted like an idiot, he knew he should’ve gone in to see him even if he was afraid, because his _dongsaeng_ had always been there for him and he’d abandoned him when he needed him the most.  
  
He kept saying that he was one of the most important people in his life, he’d promised himself he would never let him go, he’d promised himself that he would always be there for him, and, at the end, he hadn’t; he was selfish, more selfish than he’d ever thought he was, because now he was crying for his own choices and not because he was truly hurt.  
  
Even if he was, he felt like his heart was stopping beating, like it’d started slowing down from the moment he’d heard those words, those terrible words that had sent his world crashing down hopelessly.  
  
‘ _Daesung’s gotten into a car accident._ ’  
  
He wished it was just a bad dream, but it wasn’t. Why had he run away when the only thing he wanted to do was hold him close and tell him that he needed him, too, that he always had and always would?  
  
Why was is so difficult for him to accept the truth? He could try to push away that thought how much he wanted, but he couldn’t change reality, he couldn’t change that horrible reality that should’ve never happened; it had been days since the accident, and he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how he could help his _dongsaeng_ feel better, he wished he was strong enough to see him, he wished he could be there for him, but he was terrified of everything, of his own heart, of his own mind.  
  
He didn’t think he could stand seeing him in a similar situation, he knew he would just pity him and he didn’t want to, he really didn’t want to; he only wanted everything to go back as it had been, when everything was fine and the light was right in front of them, when he was starting to feel sure they were going to be fine and had finally reached the star they’d been trying to reach all their life.  
  
He remained on the ground for a long time, he lost track of it, he completely lost the acknowledge that the world continued turning even in a moment like that, as if nothing had happened; it should’ve stopped, it should’ve stopped like everything had stopped moving around him, around them.  
  
Daesung just wanted to sing and it seemed that everything was against him, it seemed there was some greatest entity who didn’t want to allow it no matter what, who kept trying to shut him up every second that passed, more and more, and he hated the thought, but that was exactly what it seemed; he deserved better, he deserved to be happy and it made him angry to an incredible level that it seemed that he would never fully be.  
  
He would’ve done anything to go back in time and save him from that horrible situation, to tell him that he couldn’t go or he would get hurt, but there was nothing he could do; that was real life and it was cruel, crueller than the industry they lived in, as if that hadn’t done enough to make them suffer.  
  
He could still remember the messages they had exchanged when his _dongsaeng_ was still at the hospital, when he could barely move or write but had tried his best just to reassure him that he was fine; sometimes he’d been surprised by how honest the other had been, telling him that he was afraid he would never sing again and that maybe that was just a payback of the universe because he’d disobeyed his father more than once to achieve his dream, that God had punished him because he’d been starting to complain about his schedule being too packed while he was getting more popular.  
  
Telling him that he felt so guilty, knowing that he was holding back the four of them and that maybe he would’ve done better if he’d left the group, that it would be his fault if something went wrong and fans started to abandon them because they didn’t want to wait, that they would’ve been better without him; telling him that it was okay if they didn’t want to see him ever again because of how horrible he thought his scars would be and that he knew he would just be uglier than he’d been before and nobody would want him back.  
  
Seunghyun suspected his sincerity was partially caused by painkillers, even if he couldn’t really give it a reason; but maybe he only felt like he needed to say those things and it killed him inside even more, especially considering he’d been receiving those messages at night, and he knew very well how unstable one can be at night in a normal situation, he couldn’t imagine how Daesung had felt, enclosed in that hospital, feeling like a prisoner, drowning in a guilt he wasn’t even supposed to feel.  
  
He could still remember when he’d seen him the first time after the accident, lying motionless in a bed after surgery, covered in bandages, looking like barely a ghost of himself; he didn’t know how he’d found the strength not to cry in that moment, maybe he’d been still too shocked and in denial to believe what he’d been actually seeing.  
  
He’d went to see him with Youngbae, who’d even brought flowers, as the kind soul he was, and he had to admit that his presence had helped him a lot more than he thought it would; the other two remaining members had stayed at the dorm, mostly because Seungri seemed to be the one who was having it worst, probably because he was the youngest, he wasn’t even twenty, after all, and that whole situation had hit hard and he hadn’t had the courage to go with them, and, of course, Jiyong had decided to stay there to keep an eye on him.  
  
He’d even walked to stand in front of the bed and had reached out to lightly touch his bruised hand, retreating almost immediately in fear he would hurt him, even if he’d wanted to grab his hand and hold it, like he’d promised he would do for the rest of his life; he’d wanted to tell him those three words, but he hadn’t, he hadn’t found the strength to be so selfish to tell him to be okay just because he needed him.  
  
But now, as he was lying on the warm ground in that cloudy day, there was no one who could hear him, and, even if wanted to cry out everything he’d been keeping inside, he didn’t; he hoped silently that everything would be fine, he really hoped that everything would be fixed and he promised himself that he would never be that cowardly ever again, that he would always be there for Daesung from that moment on, whatever happened, even if he didn’t want to accept the consequence, even if it would’ve been better to ignore the truth, he would never, ever, let go of his hand just because he was afraid.  
  
“I need you—”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel about this.


	6. let's just stay like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this chapter is mostly about the fact that sometimes I feel like idols are forced to put up an image for the pubic eye, thus it's not really about a specific event. I don't have much to say about it, honestly, I hope it's understandable. 
> 
> English is not my first language, forgive me for any mistake (okay, perhaps I should stop writing this now, I think you've understood, lol)

_**2010**_  
  
He sat down heavily on the couch, followed short by Daesung, who half-fell on him and leaned over to rest his head on his shoulder; he didn’t complain, since he didn’t actually mind at all and they both slid into a comfortable silence for a while.  
  
The others had remained at the studio because Jiyong had wanted to fix something in Seungri’s part, thing that hadn’t made the _maknae_ happy at all (obviously), even if he hadn’t had the chance to say anything, because sometimes he felt like he wasn’t always on the leader’s good side, even if he was wrong, considering the latter was just trying to help him and the group as well as he could; and that left only the two of them in the dorm, which felt strangely big when it was so empty and quiet.  
  
He didn’t know why, but he enjoyed being alone with him, because, for some reason, he always felt like they didn’t need words at all to understand each other and he’d hardly ever felt that way with anyone else; he nuzzled his hair with his chin and waited patiently, because he felt like the younger had something to say.  
  
“Sometimes it’s tiring to be who they expect you to be.” his _dongsaeng_ eventually said, his voice grave, sounding exhausted in that moment more than he’d been in a long time; or, at least, that he’d allowed himself to show in a long time.  
  
After his accident, he always tried to be cheerful and grateful about what he got, as if he was scared something was going to happen to him again if he dared complain even a tiny bit; he hated seeing him like that and wished he could help him, but there wasn’t much he could do, he could only ask him how he was doing, if he was getting enough sleep, if he was tired and hope he would answer truthfully, even though he knew he often lied because he didn’t want them to worry.  
  
He looked at him for a moment, knowing perfectly was he was talking about and knowing what feeling that was, a bit puzzled because he’d never actually expected him to feel like that; he’d expected him to feel in many ways, but he hadn’t thought he thought he needed to put a mask on because of how the world viewed him.  
  
But, after all, he should’ve known, because Daesung wasn’t all that talkative and extrovert in real life as he was on the stage; he tended to forget that, because, after so many years with the group, he’d learned that there was nothing to fear with them and had partially become how he appeared (of course, they were his family, it wouldn’t have been any different).  
  
“I know.” he whispered back, afraid he would be too loud, as he usually was, and quietly put his arm around his shoulders, squeezing him closer; he’d said more than once that he didn’t like physical contact, but he never minded with him or the other members.  
  
“You can just be who you are with me.” he added after a while, feeling stupid and like that phrase didn’t make sense at all for how he’d worded it, but he knew he’d made the right choice saying it; he’d promised himself that he would never let him go and, so, he always felt the need to tell him what he was thinking even more than he did before.  
  
It was the truth, though; he didn’t want him to feel like he needed to be what the world expected him to be with him, too, he couldn’t care less about the imagine everyone had of them. After all, everyone saw Jiyong as a player when really all he did was write music and focus on the group, being the responsible leader he’d always been since the start, even when he couldn’t stand the sight of half of them. Seungri was pictured as an even bigger player, who loved to joke and make allusions, but he had the incredibly ability to be extremely serious when he needed to and always put everything in his job, scared he still needed to be accepted by them. Youngbae was always bold and sure of himself on the stage, and seemed to not understand the purpose of a shirt, while in reality he was rather shy and tended to be the most mature among all of them.  
  
And then there was him, always considered good looking and mysterious, but really, he was just weird and never knew what was going on in his head; he hoped fans would learn to love them for how they really were and not for what they saw them as.  
  
Daesung answered after a moment, telling him that he’d always tried to be who he was around them, even if sometimes he found it difficult, maybe because he didn’t want them to be disappointed if they found out something they didn’t like about him; the rapper looked at him –or rather, at his head –in disbelief, unsure what to say back to that. Taking a sudden decision, he grabbed the younger’s hand and intertwined their fingers, holding tightly onto him.  
  
“That’s not possible, Daesung-ah.” and he meant it; he doubted he would ever find something that could make him dislike his _dongsaeng_ , not after everything they’d gone through together, all that fear and all those uncertainties.  
  
He was his best friend, he was his brother, and he didn’t think he had the capability to dislike him; he knew he’d seen the real Daesung, he knew he was really a sweet angel who worried about others a lot more than he should have, who always put a lot of thought into his words because he didn’t want to say something wrong and hurt their feelings, he always put them before himself.  
  
Maybe that was what he actually hated about him; sometimes he wished he remembered that he was important, too, and that being selfless wasn’t always a good thing. That sometimes he should’ve allowed himself to just _not_ be okay, because it wouldn’t be selfish of him, he was just human; he was allowed to cry, he was allowed to be angry, he was allowed to scream, he was allowed to be tired, he shouldn’t have feared he was being unfair towards other people.  
  
He didn’t say anything, in that moment, but he told himself that he would tell him that, one day, when it felt like what he needed to do in order to help him survive; because he knew that day would come, there was a moment for everybody when they needed to hear those words to survive.  
  
He just didn’t think that moment would come _so soon_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I wrote this mainly as a filler because I didn't want to have the worst chapters close together. This has a somewhat lighter tone because the next chapters are really heavy.


End file.
